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“In this world, one thing is certain: Everybody hurts. Suffering may take the form of tragedy, heartbreak, or addiction. Or it could be something more mundane (but no less real), like resentment, loneliness, or disappointment. But there’s unfortunately no such thing as a painless life.” – Foreword of Glorious Ruin by Tullian Tchividjian
If this statement is true, then it also means that our
churches are full of hurting people. At any given time, there will be someone
that we know that will be going through a season of suffering in their lives. The
church - the body of Christ - should be the one place where one can count on to
find rest. In fact, it should be the safest
place on this earth for a suffering soul to find encouragement, support, and
compassion. But unfortunately that is not always the case, and sometimes the
church can be one of the scariest
places for someone in the midst of a trying circumstance. All too often, we
fail to remember that as a community of believers, we are called to “bear one
another’s burdens” (Galatians
6:2). Instead, we choose to put on a weekly façade of having it all
together and expect others to just do the same. When it comes to following Romans
12:15, we’re usually pretty good at rejoicing with others…but can be
downright terrible at the second part.
So, because it is true that everyone will face some form of suffering during their lifetime,
and that as a church we are also called to “weep with those who weep,” I
believe it is important for us to truly examine if we are a safe place for
suffering. A good place to start is to gain a sense of what NOT to say or do
when we encounter pain in the lives of others.
1. Do Not
Minimize Suffering - “Minimization
involves any attempt to downplay or reduce the extent and nature of pain. Any
rhetorical or spiritual device that underestimates the seriousness of suffering
essentially minimizes it.” – Tullian, Glorious
Ruin.
“This too shall pass.” Have you
ever heard someone say that? Have you ever said it to someone yourself? This is
classic minimization of someone’s suffering. It essentially dismisses the
situation as anything worth being concerned about, and (whether intended or
not) ultimately causes one to feel shame for experiencing the pain they are in.
In our attempt to comfort a hurting friend, “this too shall pass” tells them to
place their hope in a false certainty that things will get better (which is
never even promised in Scripture on this side of eternity), instead of offering
any source of real biblical hope at all. Using a trite saying in attempt to
“cheer someone up” will be received about as well as using a bucket of cold
water to wake them up from a nap. (Proverbs
25:20 NLT)
Another way we minimize
suffering is by comparing one person’s trial to another’s. While the intent is
to help one gain perspective of their situation & realize that things could
be a lot worse, the reality is that this also does more harm than good. For
example, when our response to a couple’s struggle to have children is, “look on
the bright side – you could have
cancer,” we are not offering any level of encouragement. Instead, we’re only
describing their struggle as unimportant and unworthy of the pain they are
experiencing because things just “aren’t as bad as they could be.”
The book of 1 Peter is written
specifically to believers who are facing various forms of trials and
persecution. Peter mentions some form of suffering around 19 times in the book,
tracing back to at least 5 different Greek words (one simply meaning “unpleasant
experiences”). This shows me that suffering manifests itself in so many
different ways - circumstances that might not seem all that terrible for one
person may be completely heartbreaking for another. It is never our job to
determine what suffering should look like in someone else’s life.
2. Do Not Use
Scripture With a “Quick-Fix” Mindset –I am not suggesting Scripture is
unhelpful, powerless, and useless to a hurting soul. Obviously we know the
exact opposite is true. But my point is this – throwing Bible verses around as
a “quick-fix” method hardens a hurting heart more than it heals (yes, even the
most applicable, hope-filled passages). Unless you have been walking through a
trial with someone on a personal, intimate level; unless you have taken the
time to weep with one who is weeping…lobbing out Romans 8:28 in passing with a
smile is not a source of comfort.
3. Do Not Avoid
Suffering – It’s probably safe to say that this is the category most of
us fall into. We’ve all been there: “I
just don’t know what to say.” So in our attempt to avoid any awkward silence,
we avoid the topic of suffering or the person involved altogether. Let me offer
a source of relief: When I’m in the
midst of a difficult trial, I don’t expect – or even hope– that everyone I come
in contact with will share some profound, mind-blowing revelation to me. I
imagine the same is true with anyone facing difficulty. We don’t have to offer
a perfect, Holy Spirit-inspired message or solution to our hurting friends. But
we do need to offer our listening
ear, our shared sorrow, and our compassionate response – even if that response
is expressed only in tears. Don’t just tell them you will pray for them – take the opportunity to pray with them in that moment.
All 3 of these “methods” reveal our heart when it comes
to helping those who are suffering. When someone close to us is hurting, it
makes us uncomfortable too - so we immediately try to figure out how to solve
the problem. But is this truly motivated by a desire to help them, or by a desire to erase our own
feelings of discomfort? It is much harder & more time-consuming to walk
through the valley with someone, so instead we choose to throw them a
self-proclaimed lifeline. “Here – use
this to climb out of your valley & join me.”
But if the church is the body of Christ, shouldn’t we aim
to follow His example? The gospel is not only comforting to those who are in
the midst of suffering, but it is a guide for those of us seeking to minister
to a suffering friend. Jesus was uninterested in His own comfort when he left
the glories of heaven to put on human flesh. Jesus was indifferent about His
comfort level when he bore the burdens of our sin as a substitute on the cross.
Jesus didn’t just throw us a life-line from heaven & tell us to climb out
of our spiritual death. Instead He humbled Himself by taking the form of a
bondservant, and He met us where we were. (Philippians
2:5-8)
If the King of heaven could humbly step into the world He
created and suffer for us, why can’t
we humbly walk through the valley of suffering with each other? Maybe if we showed
Christ’s love to someone during their darkest days, they would be much more
inclined to then listen to us tell
them about how Christ’s love can be an anchor through their storm.
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