Oh, Bother

I've come to the conclusion today that if my inner thoughts, feelings, and "conversations" with myself from the last week could take on a visible, bodily form...people would see me walking around as Eeyore. With a self-fabricated rain cloud directly above only me; following me everywhere I go. Always down. Always pointing out how crappy my life is.

That's a pretty ridiculous thought, I know. But that's honestly the rut I've been stuck in for the majority of the last week or more. And the sad part is that I've basically chosen to be there. The weekends have been pretty good lately...that is really the only main time I'm around people. I'm able to genuinely have a good time & enjoy being around my friends, family, or church. But then the work week starts up and most days & nights are spent sitting around my apartment alone and just...being Eeyore. And for some reason, the more immersed we are in the "holiday season," the worse it has become. Instead of focusing on the countless things in my life I should be thankful for around Thanksgiving, I chose to keep coming back to the few things that have been ripped away from me this year. I usually put off my Christmas shopping until the last minute anyway, but this year my procrastination has been fueled by new reasons. It's too hard to walk around the mall or a store and see all the happy couples & happy people when I'm over here with my internal frown & rain cloud. "It's not fair."

Now...this isn't my constant state of mind because I am confronted with much-needed reminders & perspective-adjusters every now and then. But I have definitely allowed these things to consume my thoughts more often than not lately. And that's not good. It's not healthy...and if I am just downright honest with myself, it's sinful (Philippians 4:8). Are there certain circumstances in my life that just plain suck right now? Yes. And they are truly significant circumstances...but if I were to follow Phil. 4:8 and think on things that are true, one of the things I would see is that I have a loving Savior who has already taken care of my greatest need by providing forgiveness for my sin, and has allowed the wrath of God to be removed from me. A Savior who is always with me - He has not & will never forsake me. I would see that God has placed me in an incredible family where unconditional love abounds. That I have unbelievably great friends who genuinely care about me. Just a few things that could quickly derail the Eeyore train before it gets to full speed in my head.

This morning I came face to face with another one of those "perspective-adjusters," and I want to share some of it with you. In my other posts I've tried to express or paraphrase things I'm learning in my own words, but today I can't do that with what I read. First of all, I don't want anyone to think that it came from my own head. I was in such a bad place this morning before I read this that there's no way I could have had this perspective myself. Secondly, if I try to paraphrase this or put it in my own words I will undoubtedly butcher it & so I want to just leave you with the same words that God used in my life this morning. The following was a much needed kick in the pants...but at the same time, these words took on the arms of His unfailing love & unending grace wrapping around me & reminding me (again) to keep straining forward. This is from "The Overflow Devotional" by Mike Donehey of Tenth Avenue North:

"It's complicated to reconcile a God who works through pain. It's tough to trust in a Lord who allows suffering and inconvenience. It'd be a whole lot easier to mindlessly promise myself that Jesus always wants to make life easy, but I don't think that's how He works. If anything, Jesus uses dark colors when He paints. He's into streams in the desert and life out of death.

Just take one good look at the cross and that ought to convince you that the God the Bible speaks of is a God who uses horror and injustice to His advantage. The cross is evidence to our minds, and balm for our souls that our God is a God who brings beauty out of pain. Art out of chaos. Beauty out of ugliness. ...

... When we trust Christ, and the mysterious work on Calvary, we trust that He's always up to something good even in the darkest days. In fact, that's probably when He's up to the most good, because that's when the most good grows in me.

So hey, I'm uncomfortable, but if this is the path the Lord has brought me down, then I say, 'Don't stop it Lord. Redemption was born on a far darker day than this one, so bring the chaos. Bring the madness. Do whatever you've got to do to recreate my heart.' After all, it's me that needs to change, not my circumstances."