What If...

Due to the twists & turns I have seen in my life this year, the questions of "what if" have plagued me over the last few months - and especially in recent weeks. Questions such as, What if I would have done this differently? What if I would have said this instead of that? What if I would have been more disciplined in this area? What if... and the list goes on. I continue to catch myself consumed with thoughts of a hypothetical nature; wondering if tweaking a few things here & there in my past would find me in a completely different place in life today. If I could just revisit those days & moments of regret and do them all over again, what would my life look like now?

And not only the regrets & moments specifically connected to my current situation, but I've also had these "what if" thoughts about some of the biggest failures & sins in my life in general. It seems to be a pattern in my life that whenever I feel like I'm gaining ground in my walk with Christ & experience a true closeness with God, the sins & epic failures of my past start to pop up in my mind & make me feel like the last thing I deserve to do is talk to a holy God...so I tend to stop praying for a period of time and stop reading His Word - and this pattern is all fueled by shame, regret, and disgust with myself. Sometimes for recent sins I've committed, but most of the time this is brought on by the regrets of my past. If only I could go back & just re-live these moments & "do better," there's no doubt I would be in a better place today & everything in my life would be great...right?

Well...maybe - because there are consequences for our different sins & actions. But then again...maybe not. Maybe if I was able to go back & say or do something differently, or if I went back & made wiser choices in my biggest moments of failure, I would be in a completely different situation in my life. Or, maybe if I did all those things differently, my life would still look exactly the same. Who can really know for sure? But one thing is for sure: I can't do a single thing about anything I've already done. Nothing. I can't change or take back a single word I've ever said, I can't change or take back a single action I've ever done. No matter how much I consume my thoughts with "what if," the truth is I can't do anything about it. I honestly believe this is one of Satan's most successful strongholds in the lives of believers - looking back. Regret. Memories of failure. If there's one thing that can either bring our walk with Christ to a screeching halt, or prevent us from serving, sharing our faith, etc...it's our past.

And this is why I titled my blog Don't Look Back...because this is obviously something I've deeply struggled with, and I need to daily remind myself that my focus can't be in the past - but it has to be forward. And the words of Paul in Philippians 3 are so perfect for the "what if" questions that plague all of us. The whole chapter is great of course, but specifically verses 13-14. Paul reveals that his singular, daily goal involves "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead." The fact that the apostle Paul is the one who writes this carries extreme significance to me. What was his singular, daily goal when he wasn't known as Paul, but as the Jewish dude named Saul? To track down & murder Christians. He was the most well-known (and successful, at that) persecutor of Christ's church (when Jesus appeared to Saul, He actually accuses Saul of persecuting Christ Himself). If there was someone who undoubtedly struggled with the "what if" questions, it had to be Paul. But he also realized that there was nothing he could do about them. Instead of dwelling on past regrets or failures, he chose to "strain forward to what lies ahead."

I know what you're thinking...it's impossible to literally forget the past. God kinda gave us this thing called a memory. Warren Wiersbe sheds some light on this idea: "forgetting those things which are behind does not suggest an impossible feat of mental and psychological gymnastics by which we try to erase the sins and mistakes of the past. It simply means that we break the power of the past by living for the future. We cannot change the past, but we can change the meaning of the past. There were things in Paul's past that could have been weights to hold him back, but they became inspirations to speed him ahead. The events did not change, but his understanding of them changed." I know for a fact that this is not an easy thing to do. For those of you who have actually read this far, YOU know that this is not an easy thing to do. But that's why Paul describes this as "straining" forward, and in verses 12 & 14 as "pressing on." It's a daily. struggle. But just as with any other struggle, we never have to do it alone, and God offers grace & mercy to help in time of need (I just need to remember to seek that help more often). I truly believe that if I (or all of us) could remember this one truth, our past wouldn't come back to "haunt" us near as much...and here it is: just as it is impossible for us to do any one or amount of good works to earn favor with God or to affect our standing with Him; the same is true that it is impossible for us to fail so big or so much that it will affect our standing with Him. Once I place my faith & trust in Christ for the forgiveness of my sins, God forever sees the righteousness of Christ when He looks at me. Wow.

I heard a song on the radio today that I've heard probably over 100 times, but because of all of these "what if" thoughts that have been chasing me down lately, the song took on such a deeper meaning to me. It's the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. If you have never heard the song, you can listen to it here. But I want to type out the chorus because it fits so well:

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems that you create
You've been remade.

The "what if" questions don't matter. I can't change yesterday. But Jesus Christ died & rose again so that He could transform my today and tomorrow. Don't look back. Strain forward. Press on.