Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's the Most Miserable Time of the Year

Based on how I titled this post, I'm going to start off right away & say that this will not be me channeling my inner Scrooge, or just complaining the whole time. But there is definitely a reason why I used that title.

I'm not going to say that the events of my life this past year have caused Christmas to take on a new "meaning," because that is absurd. The "meaning" of Christmas cannot change, and never will change. However, the way we look at it, or the perspective with which we approach the holiday season can definitely change, and it truly has for me this year - mainly in 2 areas. The first area in which I have gained a new perspective, or have just become very much aware of, can be summed up in one word: Pain.

As a little kid growing up, and even to some degree right up until this year, Christmas day & the entire holiday season leading up to it was the absolute best time of the year. Hands down (well, except for the cold temps & all the snow). But I can still remember the anticipation & pure excitement as a young kid looking forward to Christmas - I always enjoyed helping decorate the tree with my own ornaments, there was significant time off from school, there was the wondering of what presents I might get that year...and the list goes on. Once I graduated from high school & moved away from home, the greatest part about the holiday season became the fact that it was at least the one time of year where I knew we would all be together as a family...the older you get, the less often that happens. Of course the fun of exchanging gifts still remains, but priorities change, and so does the appreciation of "family time." I just always viewed Christmas as...well, perfection. What could be better than guaranteed family time, a great meal where you always eat too much, opening gifts that you probably wouldn't buy for yourself, and watching others get excited over the presents you bought them? Oh - and Jesus is involved, too...because it's really about Him and everything. Right. (Sarcasm intended). But it was a perfect holiday - and how could anyone not look forward to it or get excited about it???

And then this year happened - heart-breaking, life-changing, faith-testing circumstances took place in the spring. And even though these events are technically becoming smaller in the rear-view mirror of life & time, it seems that the closer it gets to Christmas the more they are becoming magnified in my mind. Instead of anticipating the "perfection" of what Christmas used to be for me, I find myself dwelling on what's different, or missing from my life this year. Excitement has turned, at times, to dread. And because of this, I have become very much aware that the holiday season is undoubtedly the single hardest time of the calendar year for more people than we would probably even know, or would like to think about.

I'm sure there are countless people who feel a little sense of dread when the temperatures start to drop, the leaves start to fall off the trees, and Wal-Mart starts placing all the decorations on the shelves way too early. People who have been deeply wronged by a former spouse, people who haven't seen certain family members in years for one reason or another, people who are barely living paycheck-to-paycheck and don't have the money to buy their loved ones any kind of special Christmas gifts. There are people who don't even have a permanent home to put a Christmas tree in. And maybe the worst of all, there are parents who have lost children...to miscarriages, illness, or even disgusting acts of senseless violence like we all horrifically heard about this past week. Any one of these situations, and even many others, have permanently changed the perspective of the Christmas season for countless individuals from one of excitement, anticipation, and joy...to a time of year where pain, grief, and hurting are magnified. It's a revolving door that hits them in the back every single year.

In no way, shape, or form am I trying to downplay the reality or pain of any of the aforementioned situations by making my next statement(s)...because I fall into one of those categories for the first time this year. And the pain is very real. The dread is real. But I have to believe that a very large part of the cause for the heightened angst toward the holiday season, lies in what the focus of the Christmas holiday has become in our nation. It's all about being "happy," right? It's about spreading "Christmas cheer," it's all about the presents we receive (which is basically finding satisfaction in temporary, material things). Take a look at a portion from one of the most popular "Christmas" songs that we hear during the holidays. This is a perfect microcosm of why so many hurting people never look forward to the holiday:

It's the most wonderful time of the year;
With the kids jingle-belling
And everyone telling you 'be of good cheer'
It's the most wonderful time of the year

There'll be much mistletoe-ing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's the most wonderful time of the year

  • "Kids jingle-belling" - What about those who have lost a child? What about husbands & wives who aren't able to have children?
  • "Much mistletoe-ing" - What about those who have broken marriages? What about widows or widowers? Someone who has just been through a really messy break-up?
  • "When loved ones are near" - What about those who can't afford to travel to be with their family? Someone who is an outcast of their family, or all their family members are gone?

For far too many people, this is likely the most miserable time of the year. Even though these painful, unfortunate circumstances never really "go away," it seems that we are the most at war with these feelings & realities during the holidays - the time of year when we look around & everyone else appears to be so happy. But my heightened awareness of the amount of people in pain around the holidays has also caused me to have an even more heightened awareness of what Christmas is really about. And that also, can be summed up in one word: Peace.

You see, my previous view of "Christmas perfection" only included Christ as some sort of peripheral ingredient to the big picture. My happiness was rooted in the material things - the cool decorations, time off of school or work, giving & receiving gifts - and even spending time with family could be thrown in there as a material thing. The fact that Jesus was a part of it all just made it that much better. But in reality, Christ has never been just a part of the big picture - Instead, the entire picture is Christ. It's that humanity is sick with sin. Our world is cursed. We are all in pain because we have all experienced the affects of sin one way or another - whether by sins we ourselves or others have committed, or just by the effects of the fall (sickness, natural disasters, death, etc). But Jesus Christ - the Son of God, who is God - was really, literally born as a baby on this earth. He truly took on human flesh...so that He could live a perfect life, die for my sins in my place, and rise from the dead. Why? Well, not so that He could make my life easy. Not to make my life pain-free, or free of the trials or hard times. But He came to this earth to give me life. To give me hope. To give me peace.

  • Isaiah 9:6 - "For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
  • Micah 5:2, 5 - "But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah ... from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old, from ancient days ... And He shall be their peace."
  • Ephesians 2:13-14 - "...In Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For He Himself is our peace."

This doesn't mean that the pain will disappear. This also doesn't mean that feeling pain, sadness, or heartache is wrong. Jesus knows & understands our hurt - He died for the very sin that caused it. But it does mean that even though my painful circumstances might not change, my perspective of the holiday season can change & I can have peace in Christ  in the midst of the pain in my life. So while there are countless people in our world who equate the Christmas season with pain, my prayer is that some will find that the holiday is infinitely more than a day of happiness, gift-giving, and family time; it's about the God of the universe stepping into our world as a peaceful baby - to offer us the only source of real peace. And that is what makes this the most wonderful time of the year!

Merry Christmas!


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Surrender

Surrender...why is this so hard? Why does it feel like the same internal discourse takes place every single day - a discourse that basically replicates the apostle Paul's frustration in Romans 7? He begins verse 15 by saying the exact same thing that I say to myself almost every day: "I don't understand my own actions." And he goes on to say that even though he wants to do what is right & he hates when he sins, he still catches himself sinning. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's so frustrating! I understand that there's always a spiritual battle going on inside of us as believers, because Paul says in Ephesians that we wrestle against "spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places." And I also understand that we will never arrive at sinless perfection on this earth, but that doesn't mean that I just give up & sin all I want so that I can win the "He Got the Most Grace" award. So how do I truly "surrender?"

I feel like I need to express, that in no way do I think that anything I write on here is "revolutionary." By no stretch of the imagination do I think that I have discovered, or am introducing anyone who might actually read these posts to any "new ideas" or "new ways of thinking." That's really not even my intent or my hope. In fact, I honestly feel like some of the most helpful things I hear or read come from the most common, well-known truths that I have just "always known" as a Christ-follower. Truths that, for some reason, I thought I could get a fairly decent grip or understanding of & then just move past them in pursuit of "deeper" truths. But this is not the case at all - in fact, these "simple" truths are usually the most important, foundational things that I should be re-visiting & trying to gain a better understanding of on a regular basis.

Which brings me back to "surrender." It could very well be that I am the only one who had this kind of mindset when thinking about this word, but for the longest time I saw it as a one-time decision. As one of those churchy things we do where we "go forward" at the end of a service to "make a decision." Where we make a public declaration that we are "dedicating our life to Christ." Sorry for the abundance of quotation marks, but anyone who has an extensive church background has probably heard these terms a million times. You see, I did that exact thing years ago at a church camp. While sitting in one of the services during a week of youth camp, I was clearly convicted by the Holy Spirit that my life didn't look like it should as a follower of Christ. So during the speaker's invitation at the end, I went forward to "make a decision to surrender my life to Christ."

Time out. Don't get me wrong - I'm not bashing invitations, camp decisions, or "going forward" in church. I believe 100% that when the Spirit of God is convicting us of sin or pointing us in a specific direction, we need to act on it - and maybe even talk with someone else about it to affirm it & to gain prayer support, etc. Was I sincere that night when I made that decision years ago? Absolutely.

But here's the thing - I was subconsciously under the impression that this was all I needed to do to surrender my life to Christ. Now that I have made this decision, I could be sure that my life would look differently in my day to day living...check. But if that's the case, then why hasn't my life looked different every single day? Why are there still days that I fail so hard? Days where I fight so hard against certain biblical commands, or even conviction of my sin? Why can I sing this awesome Sovereign Grace song "Surrender All" in tears & with a true desire to chase after Christ one day... only to catch myself wanting nothing but to run the opposite direction the very next day? Well little did I realize or understand that instead of surrender being a one-time life changing decision, it actually needs to be a never ending succession of every-single-day-for-the-rest-of-my-life-decisions. Jesus tried to point this out in Luke 9:23 - not only to His disciples, but also to the crowds that followed Him around. No matter what my interpretation of "taking up my cross" is, it's kinda hard to argue and debate about what the word "daily" means there.

Our salvation is absolutely a one-time decision. Trusting in the finished work of Christ on the cross immediately provides forgiveness of sin & eternal life that cannot and will never be taken away. And is there a degree of "surrender" involved in salvation? Yes, there has to be in order for me to place my complete trust in someone else for my eternal destiny. But I'm a slow learner - and I'm slowly learning that in order to even have a chance at overcoming the frustrating battle of "doing what I hate" on any given day, I have to give up my attempts to even try at all, and surrender my day to the One who has already overcome my sin. I have to make a conscious determination every day to say "no" to myself - my own sinful thoughts & desires, my feelings of doubt, my attempts to be in control of my life - and fix my eyes on Jesus: the One who gave me my faith to begin with, and the One who promised that His work in my life will not be done until I see Him face to face.

I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible for me to "surrender my life" to Christ. Instead, I have to take it a day at a time. I surrender today to Christ.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Oh, Bother


I've come to the conclusion today that if my inner thoughts, feelings, and "conversations" with myself from the last week could take on a visible, bodily form...people would see me walking around as Eeyore. With a self-fabricated rain cloud directly above only me; following me everywhere I go. Always down. Always pointing out how crappy my life is.

That's a pretty ridiculous thought, I know. But that's honestly the rut I've been stuck in for the majority of the last week or more. And the sad part is that I've basically chosen to be there. The weekends have been pretty good lately...that is really the only main time I'm around people. I'm able to genuinely have a good time & enjoy being around my friends, family, or church. But then the work week starts up and most days & nights are spent sitting around my apartment alone and just...being Eeyore. And for some reason, the more immersed we are in the "holiday season," the worse it has become. Instead of focusing on the countless things in my life I should be thankful for around Thanksgiving, I chose to keep coming back to the few things that have been ripped away from me this year. I usually put off my Christmas shopping until the last minute anyway, but this year my procrastination has been fueled by new reasons. It's too hard to walk around the mall or a store and see all the happy couples & happy people when I'm over here with my internal frown & rain cloud. "It's not fair."

Now...this isn't my constant state of mind because I am confronted with much-needed reminders & perspective-adjusters every now and then. But I have definitely allowed these things to consume my thoughts more often than not lately. And that's not good. It's not healthy...and if I am just downright honest with myself, it's sinful (Philippians 4:8). Are there certain circumstances in my life that just plain suck right now? Yes. And they are truly significant circumstances...but if I were to follow Phil. 4:8 and think on things that are true, one of the things I would see is that I have a loving Savior who has already taken care of my greatest need by providing forgiveness for my sin, and has allowed the wrath of God to be removed from me. A Savior who is always with me - He has not & will never forsake me. I would see that God has placed me in an incredible family where unconditional love abounds. That I have unbelievably great friends who genuinely care about me. Just a few things that could quickly derail the Eeyore train before it gets to full speed in my head.

This morning I came face to face with another one of those "perspective-adjusters," and I want to share some of it with you. In my other posts I've tried to express or paraphrase things I'm learning in my own words, but today I can't do that with what I read. First of all, I don't want anyone to think that it came from my own head. I was in such a bad place this morning before I read this that there's no way I could have had this perspective myself. Secondly, if I try to paraphrase this or put it in my own words I will undoubtedly butcher it & so I want to just leave you with the same words that God used in my life this morning. The following was a much needed kick in the pants...but at the same time, these words took on the arms of His unfailing love & unending grace wrapping around me & reminding me (again) to keep straining forward. This is from "The Overflow Devotional" by Mike Donehey of Tenth Avenue North:

"It's complicated to reconcile a God who works through pain. It's tough to trust in a Lord who allows suffering and inconvenience. It'd be a whole lot easier to mindlessly promise myself that Jesus always wants to make life easy, but I don't think that's how He works. If anything, Jesus uses dark colors when He paints. He's into streams in the desert and life out of death.

Just take one good look at the cross and that ought to convince you that the God the Bible speaks of is a God who uses horror and injustice to His advantage. The cross is evidence to our minds, and balm for our souls that our God is a God who brings beauty out of pain. Art out of chaos. Beauty out of ugliness. ...

... When we trust Christ, and the mysterious work on Calvary, we trust that He's always up to something good even in the darkest days. In fact, that's probably when He's up to the most good, because that's when the most good grows in me.

So hey, I'm uncomfortable, but if this is the path the Lord has brought me down, then I say, 'Don't stop it Lord. Redemption was born on a far darker day than this one, so bring the chaos. Bring the madness. Do whatever you've got to do to recreate my heart.' After all, it's me that needs to change, not my circumstances."


Sunday, November 25, 2012

What If...

Due to the twists & turns I have seen in my life this year, the questions of "what if" have plagued me over the last few months - and especially in recent weeks. Questions such as, What if I would have done this differently? What if I would have said this instead of that? What if I would have been more disciplined in this area? What if... and the list goes on. I continue to catch myself consumed with thoughts of a hypothetical nature; wondering if tweaking a few things here & there in my past would find me in a completely different place in life today. If I could just revisit those days & moments of regret and do them all over again, what would my life look like now?

And not only the regrets & moments specifically connected to my current situation, but I've also had these "what if" thoughts about some of the biggest failures & sins in my life in general. It seems to be a pattern in my life that whenever I feel like I'm gaining ground in my walk with Christ & experience a true closeness with God, the sins & epic failures of my past start to pop up in my mind & make me feel like the last thing I deserve to do is talk to a holy God...so I tend to stop praying for a period of time and stop reading His Word - and this pattern is all fueled by shame, regret, and disgust with myself. Sometimes for recent sins I've committed, but most of the time this is brought on by the regrets of my past. If only I could go back & just re-live these moments & "do better," there's no doubt I would be in a better place today & everything in my life would be great...right?

Well...maybe - because there are consequences for our different sins & actions. But then again...maybe not. Maybe if I was able to go back & say or do something differently, or if I went back & made wiser choices in my biggest moments of failure, I would be in a completely different situation in my life. Or, maybe if I did all those things differently, my life would still look exactly the same. Who can really know for sure? But one thing is for sure: I can't do a single thing about anything I've already done. Nothing. I can't change or take back a single word I've ever said, I can't change or take back a single action I've ever done. No matter how much I consume my thoughts with "what if," the truth is I can't do anything about it. I honestly believe this is one of Satan's most successful strongholds in the lives of believers - looking back. Regret. Memories of failure. If there's one thing that can either bring our walk with Christ to a screeching halt, or prevent us from serving, sharing our faith, etc...it's our past.

And this is why I titled my blog Don't Look Back...because this is obviously something I've deeply struggled with, and I need to daily remind myself that my focus can't be in the past - but it has to be forward. And the words of Paul in Philippians 3 are so perfect for the "what if" questions that plague all of us. The whole chapter is great of course, but specifically verses 13-14. Paul reveals that his singular, daily goal involves "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead." The fact that the apostle Paul is the one who writes this carries extreme significance to me. What was his singular, daily goal when he wasn't known as Paul, but as the Jewish dude named Saul? To track down & murder Christians. He was the most well-known (and successful, at that) persecutor of Christ's church (when Jesus appeared to Saul, He actually accuses Saul of persecuting Christ Himself). If there was someone who undoubtedly struggled with the "what if" questions, it had to be Paul. But he also realized that there was nothing he could do about them. Instead of dwelling on past regrets or failures, he chose to "strain forward to what lies ahead."

I know what you're thinking...it's impossible to literally forget the past. God kinda gave us this thing called a memory. Warren Wiersbe sheds some light on this idea: "forgetting those things which are behind does not suggest an impossible feat of mental and psychological gymnastics by which we try to erase the sins and mistakes of the past. It simply means that we break the power of the past by living for the future. We cannot change the past, but we can change the meaning of the past. There were things in Paul's past that could have been weights to hold him back, but they became inspirations to speed him ahead. The events did not change, but his understanding of them changed." I know for a fact that this is not an easy thing to do. For those of you who have actually read this far, YOU know that this is not an easy thing to do. But that's why Paul describes this as "straining" forward, and in verses 12 & 14 as "pressing on." It's a daily. struggle. But just as with any other struggle, we never have to do it alone, and God offers grace & mercy to help in time of need (I just need to remember to seek that help more often). I truly believe that if I (or all of us) could remember this one truth, our past wouldn't come back to "haunt" us near as much...and here it is: just as it is impossible for us to do any one or amount of good works to earn favor with God or to affect our standing with Him; the same is true that it is impossible for us to fail so big or so much that it will affect our standing with Him. Once I place my faith & trust in Christ for the forgiveness of my sins, God forever sees the righteousness of Christ when He looks at me. Wow.

I heard a song on the radio today that I've heard probably over 100 times, but because of all of these "what if" thoughts that have been chasing me down lately, the song took on such a deeper meaning to me. It's the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. If you have never heard the song, you can listen to it here. But I want to type out the chorus because it fits so well:

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems that you create
You've been remade.

The "what if" questions don't matter. I can't change yesterday. But Jesus Christ died & rose again so that He could transform my today and tomorrow. Don't look back. Strain forward. Press on.


Monday, November 19, 2012

"In This You Rejoice"

I recently finished reading through Psalms, and so I decided to start making my way through the book of 1 Peter. Not exactly sure why, or what led me to this particular book...but after I finished reading the first 9 verses, it was pretty clear that it was not a "coincidence" that I ended up there.

The first 5 verses are nothing short of amazing. Some of the greatest theological truths & reasons for hope are so tightly packed within this short passage of Scripture! Peter talks about our new birth through the great mercy of God, and the hope we have because of the resurrection of Christ; he talks about the "imperishable, unfading inheritance" we have waiting for us in eternity...and then he caps it all off (or so I initially thought) at the beginning of verse 6 with "in this you rejoice." So naturally, I paused to think about the incredible truths I had just read & was reminded of. What an incredible God - His mercy gave me a chance at new life, a hope for life after death, and an eternal inheritance that is waiting for me! How awesome is that? Of course I can follow the first part of verse 6 & rejoice in that - that's easy! So, being all charged up, I picked up where I left off, finished verse 6 & read through verse 7...and there it was. The "T" word. Trials.

Ok...so what is Peter trying to say here? Am I supposed to "rejoice" in the incredible grace & mercy of God that is laid out in the first 5 verses...or am I supposed to "rejoice" in trials because they test the genuineness of my faith? Well, after putting this together with James 1:2-4 I'm pretty sure now that the answer isn't one or the other, but simply "Yes." And to be honest, I definitely wasn't nearly as charged up about this passage anymore. I'm not going to lie...the last thing I want to do right now (and over the last 6 months) is "rejoice" in my trial. I just don't want to. This sounds really weird, but one of the first things I think about when I read the word "rejoice" is that little kids' Sunday school song we used to sing as a round back in the day. "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice" - repeated over & over, with high-pitched little kid voices, while smiling from ear to ear. No thanks. When it comes to my "trial" right now, I honestly want no part of that. For some reason, I'd rather sit & just...pout, really. I find myself choosing to remind myself of how much I have been hurt; how my life looks so much differently now than it did just 6 months ago; how there are things that I had that were involuntarily ripped away from me & that it was "not fair." To be brutally honest, the more I thought about these verses, I literally became angry. Who has time to rejoice when there is so much pain to try & swim through?

But as I kept reading through these verses multiple times - and even now as I'm writing my thoughts out - I can see that I had completely missed the point of what Peter and James were trying to convey to their original audience. Neither one of them are telling me that I need to rejoice in the trial itself. I'm not being told I need to force myself to be happy that I'm currently going through the hardest situation & circumstance that I've ever faced in my life. We aren't expected to jump for joy when we get an unexpected diagnosis, or when we get a call in the middle of the night about the loss of a loved one...we aren't supposed to throw a party when we find ourselves in the middle of a financial crisis, etc. In fact, Peter even recognizes that trials are hard when he says that "you have been grieved by various trials." He uses the analogy of gold being tested by fire - would it ever be pleasant to stand in a fire? As I was reading a commentary on this passage, I found this statement by Dr. Warren Wiersbe: "To deny that our trials are painful is to make them even worse. Christians must accept the fact that there are difficult experiences in life and not put on a brave front just to appear 'more spiritual'."  Even Jesus responded to grief & disappointment by visibly weeping.

So if the point is not to rejoice in the trial itself, what am I supposed to rejoice in? Well, it's the end result...that I can't see yet. See, what Peter is saying in verse 7 is that if I cling to God's grace through my trial & remain faithful to Him as He carries me through, I will bring "praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." Wow. Think about that. I will bring praise & glory to my Savior when He returns if I just simply rely on Him to get me through the crappiest times of life. It's all about reflecting the praise back to Him - He wants to be there & help His children through the most difficult points in life...and if we let Him, that immediately reflects the honor & glory right back to Him, where it belongs. When I think again about the analogy Peter uses of gold in a fire - a goldsmith would never waste any of his precious gold by throwing it in a fire if he wasn't 100% sure that the finished product would be exponentially better off. And so it has to be the same with us - God would never allow me to walk through a fire in life if it didn't somehow make me better & bring Him glory. Wiersbe says this: "It has been said that the Eastern goldsmith kept the metal in the furnace until he could see his face reflected in it. So our Lord keeps us in the furnace of suffering until we reflect the glory and beauty of Jesus Christ."

Is that hard to remember & think about in the midst of the flames? Yep. It's a daily struggle. But I'm reminded of the lyrics in a song from Tenth Avenue North that says, "If You promised pain, it can't be meaningless." So...in this week of Thanksgiving...I will try very hard to remember that it's "In this you rejoice" - in the incredible blessings that God has poured out on me through His Son Jesus Christ, but ALSO that somehow through this fiery trial, He is preparing me for something greater.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Is it "Un-Christian" to Question God?

Before this year, I could look back and say that I never really had to face any sort of tragedy or extreme trial in my life. I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home with godly parents, I have 2 sisters that I have always gotten along great with, and my entire school experience all the way through college was void of any major problems or setbacks. I've never had to face an unexpected death in our family, I've never had to navigate through unemployment or a foreclosure. Before this year, I could basically look back over my life and say that my faith had never truly been tested on a major level. Life had always been ... good.

About 6 months ago, however, that pattern came to a crashing halt as I was blindsided with news I never thought I'd hear. Devastating, life-changing news. The specifics of the situation don't matter, but it will suffice to say that I've never felt as much like my heart was literally being ripped from my chest as I did in that moment, and in the days, weeks, and months to come. All of a sudden, the path of my easy-going, seemingly picture-perfect life had veered down into the lowest, darkest valley I had ever entered. For the first time in my life, my faith was truly being tested.

I wanted nothing more than to hand in my test & settle for an "incomplete" grade. I couldn't believe what was taking place in my life, and I quickly began to blame the person I concluded was primarily at fault: God. "How could You let this happen? ... If You are sovereign, how can this possibly be part of Your 'plan' for my life ... Why aren't You solving this problem? Don't You know how many people are praying about this? Can't You see how difficult this is for me? Do You even care?!?" Those are just a few of the accusations and questions I lobbed at Him. Unfortunately, I can tell you that it got to the point where I just stopped praying altogether. I decided that if this was part of God's 'plan' was for my life, I wanted nothing to do with Him or His plan. I wanted Him out of my life forever. (Since this is already a super long post, I will just say that He didn't let me walk away from Him, praise God! He used very dear people in my life to keep me from jumping off of a "spiritual cliff," and for that I am very thankful & do not wish to think about where I would be today if that wasn't the case). However, even once I was back in His Word and seeking His guidance, I still found myself questioning God on occasion. So many "why's" and "how's" and "when's." 

Every time I caught myself in this mode, I immediately felt very guilty. I felt like such a failure of a Christian to allow myself to get to the point of questioning God. I just recently finished reading through the book of Psalms, and time after time the different authors talk about how God is our refuge, He is our Rock, with Him I should never be afraid - you know, all of that Psalm stuff...which was always incredibly applicable & encouraging...but there is one Psalm that stuck out to me the most when I first read it. It was a huge encouragement & it has given me one of the biggest "light-bulb-moments" I've ever had. 

Psalm 13. David wrote this Psalm. 4 of the 6 verses are spent questioning God. That's 66% of an entire "chapter" in the Bible. I know what you might be thinking - "Well, David wrote that while Saul was constantly trying to kill him, so that's different." But you know what hit me after reading this Psalm a few times? The Holy Spirit of God inspired David to write down that he was questioning God. (This wasn't the only time either). Why would God direct David to permanently record himself questioning Him, and multiple times at that? Are you ready for this? Because He knew that we would do the same thing when we faced trials. And it's ok. 

So are we a failure of a Christian when we question God? Is it "Un-Christian" to do so? I say no ... because even though we are born-again believers, we are still human. I think we might be somewhat numb to the "sin-nature" expression, so I will try to put this a different way. Did you know that it is in our very nature to hate God? To resist Him with all of our being? To consider Him our enemy? The first 3 chapters of Romans use the same language! This is the kind of struggle & internal war we have going on as believers! (Romans 7) But here's the key to my whole "light-bulb" moment:

First, I want to be clear & clarify that I'm not "excusing" any sin just because we have a sin nature (I also don't believe David's questioning of God in Psalm 13 was sinful). I'm also not saying that every time something unfortunate happens in my life I should question my all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign Creator. But what I am saying is this:  I honestly believe that sometimes we have to get to the point in life where we are so distraught - so tired of the struggle, so fed up with all the "noise" of life - that we start questioning God. Why? Because that might be the only time we will actually be at the point where we literally have nowhere else to look but Him - where we are willing to let God show us Himself like we've never let Him before. Sometimes it takes a disastrous storm to wreak havoc in our life for us to finally just be still & know that He is God. 

One thing is for sure: every time we question God, He will respond. Sometimes He might give us a much-needed kick in the pants like He gave Job. But other times He will respond with a peace that surpasses all understanding; a reassurance that He does know what He's doing. That He does hear my cries, He does understand my hurt & my pain, He does have a plan through the wreckage - and it's ultimately for my good & HIS glory. The latter is what David heard at the end of Psalm 13, and it is the same reassuring answer I have been able to cling to as well: 

"But I have trusted in Your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me."


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Blog? ... Really??

"A Blog? ... Really?" - This is what I kept saying to myself every time the idea popped back up in my head. I've thought about starting one of these for a while now, but ultimately kept deciding against it. I usually would end up at arguments such as, "You're too long-winded...you are terrible at keeping things short & sweet." Or, "What do you really have to say that anyone would ever want to read about?" (That was usually the main argument, really). Well...I don't really have a legitimate counter to either of those, but I guess I finally came up with a few reasons to start "blogging" that outweighed the prior arguments.

1.  My Current Situation: 6 months ago, I started working from home. While the advantages of working from home significantly outweigh the disadvantages, it also means I have zero physical human interaction during my work day. On top of that, I have recently been through some very difficult life circumstances that have left me with endless hours of "alone time." Put this all together, and that means that on any given day I have very little to no human interaction. I feel like creating a blog will give me at least a sense that I'm "interacting" with people. (Don't worry...it doesn't make much sense to me either, but just go with it).

2.  Time to Think:  Based on my previously described situation, I have a lot of time to think. A lot of time. A lot of thinking. Sometimes it's profitable, sometimes it's dangerous, and sometimes it just turns into a giant pity party for myself. I feel like instead of continuously holding everything in every day, I should try & articulate some of my thoughts in this type of forum. This goes back to the "Will anyone even read this" question I keep asking myself. The answer: most likely not. But I have come to the conclusion that this will probably end up being more "therapeutic" for my sake, and if someone else somehow benefits from reading my thoughts one day, then that's pretty cool too.

3.  Transparency:  I really think this has almost become a bad word for Christ-followers. Church has sadly become a place where we show up and try for 1 day a week to convince everyone around us that we are "Super-Christians" and that we have it all together. I have reached a breaking point in my life where I just can't do that any longer. And if we were all honest with each other, and followed Galatians 6:2 (Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ), we would share our personal struggles with each other & experience true fellowship in the body of Christ as we encourage one another & hold each other up in prayer. This is what I really want this "blog" to be...me being transparent in my walk with Christ. I want to be honest, and I don't know - maybe encourage others to know that it's ok to struggle. It's ok to fail, to question God at times (that's not a typo)...it's ok to not "have it all together." But that's why we have this infinite safety net called grace that we can fall into & that's why we have an incredible Savior who picks us back up & reminds us- not to "try harder," but to look harder at Him.

So go ahead & start reading my posts ... or don't :)